Illusion Of Transparency

[SocietyOfHypocrites]

Having read many threads on pedophilia, it seems like many of us suffer from something called "Illusion Of Transparency". Have you ever heard of it? It's often a source of extreme anxiety, fear, and other negative emotions we have towards ourselves.

Basically Illusion Of Transparency (IOT) is a thought process where a person severely overestimates how much people know about their internal thoughts, feelings, or intentions. For example, sitting at a park, we being 'philes' of one type or another happen to look at the cute girl on the swing as it blows her skirt up on the forward arc. We notice another person observing us and all of a sudden, we believe that we were just 'caught' checking out a child and begin to feel ashamed, fearful, etc.

It is impossible for another human to read our minds or understand our thoughts, feelings, or intentions.

There was an experiment conducted by Elizabeth Newton to explore this phenomenon. What she did was gather a group of people into a room. She then proceeded to tap out "Happy Birthday to You" with her finger on a table, and challenged the viewers to guess the song. Most of us know that song very well. We have heard it on our own birthdays, and sang it at hundreds of others. Surprisingly, even though the tapper can hear every single note and the lyrics in her head, the observer only picked the correct song about 3% of the time!! This is because they only hear a rhythmic tapping with no melody or lyrics.

The person who glanced over and 'caught' you trying to sneak peaks at an unaware child, most likely thought nothing of it (assuming you were not licking your lips and grabbing your crotch) and likely had their own inner dialog ("Crap, did I leave the stove on?" "When I leave here, I need to get eggs" or even "Dang, dude right there is fiiiiinnneeeeeee") capturing their full attention and you just happened to be one of the many things their eyes had focused on in the last ten minutes or so.

Research suggests that people are much better at keeping their internal states hidden than they choose to believe.

There is a ton of information about this subject on the internet, and I think for members of our community we'd benefit from understanding it more.

IOT affects us in other areas of our lives too. We often assume our spouse or partner should be able to tell when we are mad, sad, or disappointed. This is because we have perpetual access to our own thoughts and we believe that it shows more than it actually does. Because our frustrations are apparent to us, they should be to them too, right? WRONG. We are not transparent. Now if we begin to slam doors or huff and puff, it's no longer internal to us and of course they will reach a more likely understanding of what you are thinking and how you are feeling.

There are ways to overcome IOT though!!! We can start by getting out of our own heads and changing our perspective. For instance, in my earlier example let's put another bystander in the park. One who is watching the individual who happened to glance over at you? Are they looking at that person thinking "WOW! He/She just caught that man looking up that little girls skirt?" Of course not. How could he possibly know what that person is thinking. Simply put, he cannot.

So when you are having these thoughts of transparency, take a moment to think rationally. When that person 'catches' you looking, simply smile and tell them hello. Ask them where they got the dress, as you think your own daughter would look cute in it. Really, do anything other than continue with irrational thoughts that your inner dialog or intentions are being broadcast to those around you.
I'd love to hear your thoughts or experiences regarding IOT,

SOH

[explosion23895]

By equal turn we are apt to solipsism. When we can't read another person we fail to apprehend how our behaviors appear to them. A woman catches a man looking at a young girl at a playground. A man may fear he has been caught perving. A man may say he has an illusion of transparency and speak of a girl's dress. A woman may have caution the man is a sexual predator or stalking the child of his ex. Women and children experience greater danger than men and are taught to avoid vulnerability and to appease when trapped. Men interpret avoidance as challenge and appeasement as interest or consent. Illusion of personal transparency may fold into illusion of the transparency of others.

[SocietyOfHypocrites]

By equal turn we are apt to solipsism.

explosion23895,

Thanks for taking the time to reply and share your perspective.

Solipsism (for those who have never heard the term) is a philosophical idea that anything outside of one's own mind is unsure. In other words, you can only be certain of your own thoughts and experiences. Everything outside of your mind, including other people and the world around you, very well might be an illusion created by your own mind.

I think some of us at one point in our life or another have entertained this kind of thinking, however I don't think there are many who consider it very long.

I don't follow the philosophy of solipsism in any way. It's an interesting concept for sure, but I'd have to be godlike in order to create such a an external experience inside my own head. Very Matrix like for sure.

While learning to recognize the Illusion of Transparency certainly is no panacea, it think it's wise to gain insight on the subject. Even as it does not relate to pedophilia, I believe it could improve many areas of your life, and can teach us that instead of being under the assumption that someone should intuitively catch on what were thinking or how we are feeling, we should communicate verbally to forgo any hard feelings resulting from their not noticing.

I loved how you closed your reply.

Illusion of personal transparency may fold into illusion of the transparency of others.

I found that to be a profound observation and I'd like to ponder on that a bit. Thanks again for sharing!

[Lost_Boy]

I always put on "illusions of opacity", i.e. I tried to hide my states as best as I could from other people. Emotional states, not thoughts. Several times I tried to convince myself that someone might pick up on what I was thinking, and once I even believed it for a brief moment.

However, my sick head told me many times that someone was thinking something about me, which usually turned out to be completely untrue. It is our paranoias that attack us this way.

As for mind reading itself, there is something to it. Do you ever have situations where you know exactly, word for word, what the interlocutor is going to say, even for a moment before he says it? What it comes from? I don't think it's an illusion or deja vu. Maybe this happens when we have known a given person for long enough and are able to tune in to their way of thinking? I have never had such a situation when talking to a stranger or someone I didn't know well.

[SocietyOfHypocrites]

I always put on "illusions of opacity", i.e. I tried to hide my states as best as I could from other people. Emotional states, not thoughts. Several times I tried to convince myself that someone might pick up on what I was thinking, and once I even believed it for a brief moment.

However, my sick head told me many times that someone was thinking something about me, which usually turned out to be completely untrue. It is our paranoias that attack us this way.

As for mind reading itself, there is something to it. Do you ever have situations where you know exactly, word for word, what the interlocutor is going to say, even for a moment before he says it? What it comes from? I don't think it's an illusion or deja vu. Maybe this happens when we have known a given person for long enough and are able to tune in to their way of thinking? I have never had such a situation when talking to a stranger or someone I didn't know well.

Lost_Boy, our egos can certainly contribute to paranoid thinking. Especially when we have the heavy burden that is our secret attraction, we might find ourselves thinking we are the center of other's attention. We trick ourselves into believing that others are constantly monitoring or reading our thoughts, often even projecting our thoughts and feelings onto them. Insecurity plays a large roll too, as we think might always think others are judging us or scrutinizing our thoughts.

As for mind reading, I am of the mind that is due to our empathetic nature. Empathy affords us the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, and especially when we know someone well, allow us to predict what their next words might be. This is heightened when you have shared experience with that individual and you have built up a deep understanding of their behaviors and thought processes. And because of how awesome it is to sometimes predict what another is going to say, we tend to hold onto that experience and forget the multitude of times we were incorrect.

But then again, take a look around. This is a pretty amazing existence we are experiencing. Maybe there is the possibility of our superconcious mind that is able to communicate with that of another. That'd be kind of cool.

[Lost_Boy]

I am sure that it is possible. I have experienced phenomena that are hard for anyone to imagine. Even I would never be able to imagine that such phenomena exist (although I have a very vivid imagination) if I had never experienced them.
It is not just about predicting what the next words will be. You can predict that a woman is pregnant. You can predict something that a person wants to tell us that she has never said in her life. We can predict that she is about to enter a topic that is disturbing to us. I had such a situation some time ago. The topic was very disturbing to me, and although I wanted to talk about it, I gave in to fear and quickly distracted her, directed her thoughts to another topic.

[on the rocks]

This comes down to the reality that random people are generally not interested in you and what you are doing.  They're not noticing or caring how you're reacting to things out there in the world.

To illustrate this, simply reverse the observer.  How often do you personally see someone out int he world and assume they're up to something nefarious?  I ride my bike thru the park all the time with all walks of people about.  It never occurs to me that some other random person is scoping out kiddos or perving on some jogger wearing camel toe pants.  You're not doing that, so why would anyone else?