Extreme Measures

[babylvr]

To start I've known I've been a pedophile since about 15 years old, I was madly in love with a girl I knew who was about 10 years younger than me for pretty much forever. I still love her although shes now an adult and married, but not sexually attracted to her. We had a relationship for about 5 years or so until I ruined it when she turned 10 by trying to initiate sex. Needless to say this shattered me and I never really got over loosing her.

I've since then sexually touched one other girl but only very briefly through her clothes while giving her a piggy back ride I would let my fingers massage her pussy through her clothes, she wouldn't stop wanting piggy back rides after that and cried when she had to go home and leave me. Never saw her again after that.

My niece I've been extremely sexually attracted too and once before we went riding on an ATV she went to her room real quick then came back out, after riding around we played on the trampoline and I noticed she had no underwear on, it was obvious because she was wearing very loose shorts, I asked and she said she took them off before we left. I think I had an open window to initiate contact with her, she was about 8 or so at that time, and we've been very touchy feelly but nothing sexual before. I think it would of been impossible for her to not notice that I always looked at her, and was attracted to her sexually beforehand so I think this was her attempt to try something. Needless to say I didn't take her "offer" if that was what it was, to much a coward. Shes now a teen and still small in frame and attractive but not sexually for me anymore. My sexual attraction pretty much is babies (I could easily start with a newborn, biggest fantasy for me really) until maybe 5-6, and maxes out at about 10-11. I'm ok with both boys and girls but for boys they need to match a very specific set of looks, I'd be VERY picky with a boy, but for a girl, if shes in that age range, I'm attracted to her, looks don't matter.

All this was many years ago, and I've resigned to the fact I _NEVER_ want to hurt, molest, touch, or anyway harm a child, even a baby. I think sexual contact with children hurts them, not the act it's self if it's loving and consensual, but the way society demonizes and treats the act she'll feel it was bad when her parents and everyone freaks the fuck out. It's society's reaction to child-adult love that hurts the children, not the loving consensual sexual exploration children naturally want. I'm also acutely aware that the way society views child-adult sexual relationships will not change during my lifetime, so I'll never be able to fulfill my sexual orientation.

I've now started the process of forever deadening my sexual drive. I've started with injections in my testicles, hypertonic sodium chloride injections, and 70% ethanol injections, to completely kill the tissue and effectively castrate myself. I've also pretty much got myself addicted to injecting very high concentrations of lidocaine into my penis, the corpora cavernosa which is having the effect of killing most of that tissue making an erection forever impossible, or so I hope. I know this sounds very extreme, but I think this measure will prevent me from even if I was presented with an opportunity, I couldn't physically penetrate a child and hurt her that way, and I almost never think about sex unless I view porn, which I can't seem to break that habit. I don't get erections, and best I can muster (before the extreme injection series started) was a slightly less limp penis. I can still masturbate fine, but I had a prince albert piercing (done myself) which GREATLY increases the sensitivity of my penis so masturbation is super easy now, simply just shaking my limp dick will get me off in no time.

I hope this story hasn't broken any policies here, I've never told parts of this story to anyone, actually beyond just one or two people knowing I was in love with the girl 10 years younger than me, no one ever known about the sexual aspect, she never told, and the other parts no one has ever been told. No one knows about my self mutilation of my penis and testicles, except I think someday a doctor might, but I won't be completely honest how it all happened, I kind of hope he will need to perform a penectomy and double orchiectomy and fully remove my ability to hurt a child physically with my penis.

Otherwise, outside appearance I'm quite normal, although a bit antisocial. I don't think anyone knows about me. I think MAYBE my mother might have seen my eye wonder one to many times to little girls and has a suspicion. She's seen photography books that have nude little girls in it in my room before, but being interested in photography it might not of set off to many alarm bells. But that was MANY years ago.

[bindilover]

G'day mate. Might I suggest that it's what's in your head and heart that control your actions, not what's between your legs. Having a "dead dick" won't make you feel any differently inside, and you can cause just as much social harm to a child with your hands and tongue or inanimate objects as you could with your penis.

[Hidden Soul]

1. Jesus bloddy christ the mutilation you done to your body part may of been completely unneeded. And it something i get medical checked seriously.

2.By the sound of your topic it also seems you sexual preference is destroying you emotionally again your going to have to seek help.Or it was at one point.The help here can only goes so far but this is just fu**ing crazy.

Even other member here have probley though of extreme measures but nothing like this i hope.Even then i want to see what other reply this topic is going to get.Reading stuff like this freaks me out.

Also the statement from bindilover and you can cause just as much social harm to a child with your hands and tongue or inanimate objects as you could with your penis.

This i agree with and i say it once your really need to seek help sorry but as bindlover says this

1 Isn't going to stop the thoughts

2. To me your always going to have an emotionally baggage to carry when it comes to this attraction.everyone does here really.

Somnambulist:I've heard of pedophiles volunteering for chemical castration.

HS: This was the 1st things it comes to my mind.

@babylvr

Am not against what you done jeez am more shocked you where able to do it to the stage it worked but unless you knew what your where truly doing to your body physically and medically i think you can understand my concern.

[Somnambulist]

I respect your decision to do what you feel is necessary to control yourself.  I've heard of pedophiles volunteering for chemical castration before, even before I had understood my own sexuality.  Even then, I felt a great amount of admiration for someone who was willing to undergo such a sacrifice in order to do what they thought was best for the children they may come into contact with in the future.

I agree with you that it's not typically the act itself that is harmful, but societies treatment of the act.  In the end, however, it's not the source of the harm, but the fact that there does end up being harm done to the child when a relationship is exposed, that ultimately matters.  This is a fact that I struggle with very much.

[babylvr]

I think I'd have to disagree that your balls don't control much. With almost no testosterone I can most definitely tell you that my sexual extremes have gone to almost zero. Before I started this journey, a couple years ago, (hasn't been a quick thing, it's been on/off for years) I got to the point of having HUNDREDS of pairs of toddler underwear, clothing, I would carry them around in my pockets, purposefully go to the mall and other places children where look at them and lust after them with my hands in my pockets feeling my dick or the panties. I was on the fast track to doing something. Lucky I was smart enough to not allow myself much contact with girls in my family, my cousins and nieces/nephews, I purposefully never visited them or allowed myself to get too close. But over the years I was feeling that I was about to do something very stupid. After I started castrating myself those urges completely disappeared. Now I never have them, haven't had them since I started. No testosterone = no sex drive = no desire to seek sex or want it.

I'm not stupid about it, I've made sure everything is sterile, no infections, just soreness. Injecting salt into your balls is probably one of the most painful things I've experienced, pretty much couldn't get out of bed for a day. I've only done that twice. I've injected alcohol about two times as well. But just those few injections have almost completely deadened my testicles, they're tiny, and hard.

As for the injections in my penis, well I don't know what that is, but so long as it's going to be useless limp piece of flesh, I can't do too much damage too it.. lol. There's quite a lot of people who do FAR more extreme things to their genitals (pain Olympics?) I've never considered slicing my self or cutting, that's dumb. I know to much how much blood flow is down there, and infection potential.

[Hidden Soul]

@babylvr

I think I'd have to disagree that your balls don't control much. With almost no testosterone I can most definitely tell you that my sexual extremes have gone to almost zero.

HS:While i think am going to mildly agree with this. By the sound of your post your urges got way out of control here and this is where for some willpower comes in.Other will do it differently like you just done.

@babylvr

I'm not stupid about it

HS:IT IS NOT YOUR STUPIDITY OR ANYTHING HERE THAT GETTING TO ME.It the fact i want you tell me you know for certainly you haven't done anything to yourself that will only show in medical tests.Just called me pariond and over concern relating your health jeez that the one part of me body i won't tamper with.

I Really can't argue with the last paragraph but it does prove my concern that it certain stages you didn't know what was happening to your body with the injection.And the still alive and well quote won't work for me as it can happen later down the road.

Really out of anything take this as a friendly concern and nothing more that all it is.I just think what you done is bloody nuts am not going to be the only one.

[babylvr]

Obviously it's nuts, I'm well aware of it. I'm not a crazy person, quite sane, but I think after dealing with this, I was either at two options, let my desires take control of me which probably would of ended up with a hurt child and me in jail/dead, suicide, or extreme measures. I tried therapy, but I could never really get the courage to tell the therapist what really was making me depressed. I don't trust them not to break their confidentiality ethics when it comes to "child predators." So really I was at the suicide option or castration. Apparently it's neigh impossible to get a voluntarily castration done, there's whole communities of people online who desire it, and resort to CRAZY things (cutting, banding, worse....) because of that. I found that idea more appealing then just blowing my head off, so yea I was probably a bit suicidal when I first stuck myself with a needle and injected concentrated salt into my balls. Since then it's been a bit more calculated, but after-all this is a very heavy burden to live with. Some of you have accepted the other side of the coin, allowing yourself to actually engage in sexual activities with children. I didn't, and it's a hard pill to take. Every ounce of your body is telling you to have sex with what your attracted too, but society demonizes it. There is nothing more perverse, hated, then a pedophile in western society, and that's difficult to handle. Living in a cocoon, not able to talk about it to anyone except anonymously online, which helps but not always sufficient. Not able to act on your hardwired sexual orientation. So yes, It was a crazy extreme option, yes I probably permanently damaged some part of my body, maybe even shortened my life, put myself in extreme risk of death. But honestly at the times I was doing these things, suicide wasn't that far removed from options on my plate.

Now that my hormones have calmed down, now that I'm not practically stalking little girls and dreaming of them every minute, now that I can actually see a sexy little tot in say a bathing suit, panties or even naked and NOT get an erection, I think I'm at a better place in my life. Wanting to completely be nullified, not have sexual organs, Isn't THAT extreme of a position, there are people who are not pedos that desire that, wanting it for the wrong reasons? I don't know. Therese worse courses of action....

[always123]

I'm totally against chemical castration, my testicles are not what makes me a pedo. Even if I get castrated my brain will still tell me I'm attracted to little girls. I;m not gonna say much because what ever you do is your choice.  Never, at some pint in my life, will I ever hurt a little girl. The only one who's gonna get hurt is me, for being rejected by little girls. Maybe the reason you worry about hurting a child is because you are attracted to babies and much younger girls than the average AoA. Don't deprive yourself from licking a little girls pussy 

[Sterling Archer]

Some of you have accepted the other side of the coin, allowing yourself to actually engage in sexual activities with children. I didn't, and it's a hard pill to take.

I'm sorry... but these aren't the only 2 options. It is quite possible to control your desires and not resort to mutilating yourself.

It's unfortunate you felt the need to do this.

[babylvr]

It's possible yes, but I after more than 20 years of trying... I didn't feel I was going to be able to do it much longer. It was an option I took. Do I advocate anyone else to do it, hell no. I just wanted to tell my story.

[missionman]

Thanks for telling your story babylvr.  I am sorry that you felt the need to venture down this path but your choice is already made so there is no sense in me trying to say otherwise.  As I may not agree with your decision, I applaud you for doing what you think is right for the sake of yourself and the others around you.  But let me say one thing, if I may.  If you take everything away that gives you pleasure or makes you happy, then you strip all of life's meaning away.  Don't be a Martyr to your own cause.

[babylvr]

I have the ability to fantasize or dream about sex with a toddler/baby, but I don't want to physically be able to try it. Before I did this I would get into sexual rages or I don't know how to describe it, and I don't know if I could control myself if I found myself with a toddler in my control and available to explore. It scared me. Now even if I found myself in that situation, I don't want to be able to do it with my penis. Sure I could still use my fingers or other objects, but that's where I hope some self control could come in, especially since those events where I feel I don't have control have severely lessened. It's hard to describe but I'm sure I have/had hypersexuality or some form of extreme testosterone production beyond what was normal. I had lots of pimples, my first sexual experience was when I was like 12 (got a blowjob from another boy), and masturbated excessively, started putting objects up my ass stretching it at about that time, exposed myself naked in public, wanted to be nude all the time, fantasized about having sex/raping my mother and other family members... it was extreme as even a child. As I got older child porn started to be an excessive part of my life. I would view/download it every day for years (it's a miracle I wasn't caught since I did things in clearnet ALL the time).....

I don't think most people experience sexual desires like me, so it scared me as I got older and started to SERIOUSLY focus on children. Getting an actual doctor to nullify/castrate me would be impossible. Getting one to chemically castrate me would mean admitting my desires which would probably mean legal problems, I couldn't imagine the doctor after hearing any part of this not calling the cops. So I had few options.

[pedononymous]

Wow, It sounds to me like you have underlying issues that may or may not be related to the pedophilia. Self mutilation is frequently used as an unhealthy coping mechanism. It sounds to me, and I am no psychologist, that you have borderline personality disorder. Characterized by your instability of mood, black and white thinking, periods of dissociation, and self-harm. You should really see a professional, You don't have to bring up your pedophilia, but just say you are having a hard time coping with all of the stressors in your life. Or tell them you continuously think about sex, all day every day, are always aroused and have to masturbate quite often, they will more than likely write the prescription.

There is still risk for major infection even though everything is sterile. The area down there is a haven for bacteria, it being a dark, humid, and moist. Not to mention that whatever you inject in their is going through your blood vessels to your heart and brain. Lidocaine is a powerful drug used not only for numbing but also for heart arrhythmias, which ironically can cause dysrhythmias and even cardiac arrest.

Good job in being proactive, but please try to get help!

[gaa]

Wow, just wow. There are other alternatives. Please consider getting help before it's too late.