Why is "bitch" spelled like "beach" and vice versa?

[TheVillain]

a simple question, yet very intriguing
any conspiracy theories are welcome

[stalker]

Source: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/2836/ddg#2849 (tor-safe)

My slavic language speaking colleagues all have this problem, because these languages do not make a distinction between tense vowels and lax vowels. The sound in beach is a tense [ i ], and the sound in bitch is a lax [ ɪ ]. These sounds differ in two major ways.

First, the sounds are made in slightly different places in the mouth. The sound in [ ɪ ] is very close to [ i ], but is a little bit towards [ e ] (like the sound in "day"). So if you say [ i ] and hold it and then move your mouth to make [ e ], then somewhere along that path is something close to the sound [ ɪ ].

Second, the sounds differ in length. All tense vowels are slightly longer, and lax vowels are slightly shorter. If you have trouble figuring out the right way to articulate the sound, then the vowel length can be very helpful to at least help distinguish these sounds — even if it is not perfectly native sounding.

[on the rocks]

Because there be bitches at the beach, yo!

Doesn't help that a common slang pronunciations of "bitch" is "beech".  As in "There's a lotta good-lookin' beeches at this party, man!"
Does make me wonder how you'd say "itch".  Would it sound like "each?"  As in "I'm going to itch each one of these bug bites."

[TheVillain]

Hmkay I had to read all that twice or thrice giving myself some weeks in between readings to digest and think about it all
But now it seems to make sense...
The tense i is the "proper one" if I can put it like that, from when the tongue was still being properly muscled up, as in Japanese kana ending with i. It's always the beach sound. Or the word "bE"... hm maybe its a pattern. As for the lax one, it's when people got tired and gave up putting enough strength on moving those tongue muscles up so it got more... reLAXed! As in... well no japanese comparison for this one. It's just that. It's in between i and e.

All tense vowels are slightly longer, and lax vowels are slightly shorter.

I did notice that being the case just before with these words but I had no idea this was a rule.
Yea you can tell i really didn't give a shit to grammar classes well today i learned something... lax and tense vowels

Because there be bitches at the beach, yo!

For damn sure... but are there beaches at a bitch, where you can drown yourself maybe? Lol no this is cringe

Doesn't help that a common slang pronunciations of "bitch" is "beech".  As in "There's a lotta good-lookin' beeches at this party, man!"

THATS what iwastalkingbout

Does make me wonder how you'd say "itch".  Would it sound like "each?"  As in "I'm going to itch each one of these bug bites."

oh gosh it's the same thing and i didn't even notice beforehand
its that lax i and that tense i once again


So what did we learn today, class?
(play hiphop 90s beat)
  That there are bitches at the beach
  and we itch each one
  once more, twice a day
  as if this is children's play
  i'mm pray, i'mma say, my god such a shame
  they all hit me in my face
  for assault i took the blame
and it took me about a minute to write down this cringe-ness
how bout we go on tour, mr DeaJay otr?

[stalker]

I did notice that being the case just before with these words but I had no idea this was a rule.
Yea you can tell i really didn't give a shit to grammar classes well today i learned something... lax and tense vowels

Me too, I just looked it up and pasted what I found

[on the rocks]

So what did we learn today, class?
(play hiphop 90s beat)
  That there are bitches at the beach
  and we itch each one
  once more, twice a day
  as if this is children's play
  i'mm pray, i'mma say, my god such a shame
  they all hit me in my face
  for assault i took the blame
and it took me about a minute to write down this cringe-ness
how bout we go on tour, mr DeaJay otr?

Oh yeah, especially if I can like beat-box while I pull off the visuals in this thread:
http://onion.tor.my/forum/index.php?topic=25608.msg274645#msg274645

[TheVillain]

Oh yes please. Gotta have that crown on you. Gotta flex that crown.

[Norkledog]

So I tied my bitch to a lonely beech,
and I stepped far away, out of reach,
was her lovely cold nose, her wheaten fur.
As I came back my vision started to blur,
for my tears were flowing I can't leave you alone!
to fend for yourself sleeping on earth and stone.