In other words, do you accept being a MAP and keeping it a secret? Not going to make this a poll, I'm interested in your feelings on the subject(s).
Personally, I accept that I have a non-exclusive attraction to underage kids. I did not choose it. However, I choose not to hurt a child in any way. That is important to me.
Never coming out is IMO the only way to proceed; I really don't want people to know. And, I am ok with that. Most people don't know about my fetishes or for that matter my political views.
I'm aware that many struggle with being a MAP and the behavior that might be associated with the attraction and perhaps lurking in the shadows. I do feel for those people.
What are your thoughts on these subjects?
A question whether to come out or not is a deeply personal one. There are benefits for that, like having a more honest relationship with someone who understands, and there are obvious costs.
When it comes to coming out to the general population then for me it's a huge no. There's no need for them to know. The same about other things I consider private. But I came out to various people in the past. Some I regret, some don't. The problem is when the relationship ends for some reason. Then you end up having someone who knows your deepest secret, and having no control over what happens. I've seen such confession used later in court in a custody battle.
Whatever happens, make sure you leave no traces. If you decide to tell someone, don't do it in writing, or with witnesses. Make it deniable.
It's not like we have much of a choice...
The older I have gotten, the less likely I would ever tell anyone, even just an individual. I tried sharing in my twenties with others that I thought or knew had similar interests, it never ended well. The problem was in my twenties, especially my early years, I knowingly dated girls in their teens, sometimes on the lower end of that range.
And once you say anything or or are open about your younger girlfriend, those memories for others don't go away. I recently had an experience with a friend I have known for decades. I don't see or talk to him often, usually years. When he found out I had a 12 year old girl living with me - my girlfriend's niece, he really perked up, and finally made a comment that basically said "Are you able resist her?" And meaning it the way it sounded.
I pulled the 'gave him a confused look' tactic and said, "What?" My look must have been enough because he changed the subject.
And that is the problem with sharing anything. I don't remember what I have told him in the past. I know I didn't 'come out'; but I must of at least shared a general desire for the underage but developed crowd just through my own public actions.
Either way that did bug me. I want people to think of me of the persona I put out now, not stupid stuff I said or did decades ago :)
Quote from: SilentObserver on 22 May, 2025, 16:31:37It's not like we have much of a choice...
Agreed. I am happier not risking talking about this aloud.
Quote from: AppleBite on 23 May, 2025, 01:17:48Quote from: SilentObserver on 22 May, 2025, 16:31:37It's not like we have much of a choice...
Agreed. I am happier not risking talking about this aloud.
Truth. It sucks, but that's how it is.
I share the general sentiment. I have "come out" to potential partners, which was dumb and risky, and to partners. My wife very well knows I have a non-exclusive attraction to underagers.
There is no reason to come out on the general public. Since I know all too well pedophilia is being weaponized and utilized from different sides of politics to attack and discredit the other side.
She "shares" some of the inclinations but my belief is that it comes from the idea of her being the girl within the AoA with me as the adult.
Quote from: NotPennysBoat on 22 May, 2025, 05:35:51do you accept being a MAP and keeping it a secret?
Is it worth the risk disclosing to even one other person who's able to betray you?
Yes, it's usually tough to live the secret, especially in relation to intimates, but if one already uses Tor then trying to stay anonymous shouldn't be too onerous - although I appreciate that some personality dispositions make keeping a secret well nigh impossible.
In any case, as they say, stay safe.
As long as you stick to not actually "acting" in any way, well, it is technically not a crime so as much as ppl may hate on you they can only go so far.
I really did not plan on never acting on it but it seems that, as with most, probably, I am gonna have to go through my life without that bit, for multiple reasons. So as long as I keep it like this, I can actually tell people.
But then there is no reason to tell ppl. If I ain't gonna do anything about it, why bothering people with that potentially disturbing information that can't possibly help with anything at all?
I've told some people. I haven't exactly done the thing proper so haven't committed a crime, so anyone I might talk to can do none about it. So I've told a few people who were kinda close. Some went away instantly. Some tried to be comprehensive as if I wanted treatment (no lol). Some found it disgusting but were still willing to keep being a friend just fine.
Nobody ever exposed me like screaming "he is a pedophile" or something... even the ones who were disgusted and disliked me for it. They wouldn't go through the trouble of reaching enough people for that to be destructive to me socially in some way, apparently.
TL:DR
Coming out/being open to everyone is impossible. Coming out to a few friends? That's totally doable but yields no fruit whatsoever.
If your goal is pedo friends, well you just be yourself without being explicit about it and soon enough if you both vibe the same way about 'young' people, you'll realize it very quickly.
I hate having to keep what I consider to be an important part of my identity a secret. It makes me feel like a monster though I've done no wrong (in that particular way). I wish things were different, but I see no choice but to keep hidden as best I can. Who knows, maybe one can hope for some unexpected societal or situational change to happen some day.
There would be no benefit for me to come out and share with someone about my preferences. It would only destroy my life and the lives of others around me. I'm content though to look at littles from afar and dream. Having PSC as a sounding board is also helpful.
It really sucks that people are of one mind about it. I may have said this elsewhere, but just out of curiosity I mentioned someone I knew who was a MAP(true story) to a very close friend of mine. He got in trouble(for images), did his time, and got out. This friend I told is the most open-minded guy I know. He said, "Well, I could be co-workers with him, but I wouldn't be his friend."
That's why I won't come out. It's "one size fits all". It didn't make a difference that he didn't offend.
At this point in my life, coming out of the toybox would be akin to lopping off a limb. I am very comfortable never telling another person in the real world about this part of me. I'll take it to my grave in all likelihood., and that's just fine with me.
I could never come out in real life. The fear of judgment for a start is pretty overwhelming; though maybe it is because I have never been in a relationship with someone who I could say I 100% trusted with my inner thoughts and feelings. If I found that person, maybe I would be honest, but in the meantime and probably for ever, I will live in the darkness as the horrible scary monster that the world says I am.
That's a pretty depressing thing to acknowledge.
Coming out? Yeah, I did that, over and over again, dozens of times. And I have yet to find an instance where doing so has improved my life. Luckily, only a small fraction of those caused serious problems. I keep trying to get back into the closet, which is exactly where are my loved ones want me to be. We always see the celebration of other groups coming out of the closet, and I crave having an experience like that. But the world isn't as enlightened as it pretends to be. I wish I had PSC all my life, a safe place to process everything, a place where I don't have to feel so alone with these struggles. I really don't recommend talking to the people in your life about this. The best they can do is offer sympathy, but they won't be able to understand. There's little to gain, and a lot to lose.
As many of you know, I was incarcerated for possession quite a few years ago. I was a naive, low-hanging fruit who brought it upon myself.
However, prior to reporting to prison and even afterwards I remained naive and confessed to most of my friends what I had done. A couple didn't care, a few disapproved but still supported me to this day, and a few were were shocked and disowned me. The worst case was a particular boss who blackballed me in a career I had spent years building, and consequently had to abandon.
The legal consequences of being arrested will follow you for the rest of your life. There's no reason to further complicate your life by coming out. Just keep that shit to yourself. It took years for me to finally realize that people are judgemental assholes.
Maybe someday the tide will turn and we can come out and be productive MAP members of the community.
I am okay with it and in fact it is the only possible choice for me, in terms of sanity.
First of all, i do watch child pornography, and i have been a user of the DN CP scene for ten years. Of course never touched HC (Because i am not a lunatic or a maniac). I believe that the consent to produce CP is seen by the eyes of those in it, one can understand what is and what isn't HC. And because of some abundance of that material being available to me, i can do my own private things alone. I never once thought seriously of having a child or a teenager for myself, and that's where i draw the line, and there are reasons for it.
The First reason is about abstinence. I do not practice sexual acts with children, neither with adults, be them women or men. I do not wish for it because i am a reclusive person, and any contact besides work isn't a thing for me. Besides family appointments i do not wish to visit someone, that's how far i go. I explore the world through books, i know it's a bit superficial, but the reasons for the this seclusion is that i am clinically depressed. So if i am clinically depressed, then i only enjoy my curiosity through books, images and videos, then i won't have contact with other people (as well as children), then i won't meet anyone to achieve sexual satisfaction, as i once did.
The other reason is about privacy and security. I never will put myself on that spot, i won't risk it. I don't have the luxury of being caught, if i get caught even with an image of a 17 year girl on bikini (exaggeration, but you get me), my head will roll. So that's that. I don't discuss it, i don't do it, and for the majority of the time, i get my pornography anonymously and without a footprint. I don't mind talking about my setup, it is pretty simple, a Veracrypt Hidden Volume with my Whonix VMs (I use QEMU and not VBOX, for obvious reasons), the passwords are memorized and with a good length and characters. That's what i recommend to people.
So yeah, i like what is my life. Alone, discrete, private and reclusive.
Quote from: fredericksz on 15 August, 2025, 19:30:27i am a reclusive person, and any contact besides work isn't a thing for me. Besides family appointments i do not wish to visit someone, that's how far i go. I explore the world through books, i know it's a bit superficial, but the reasons for the this seclusion is that i am clinically depressed.
I definitely relate. I have been dealing with depression for decades. Depression drives you towards seclusion, and seclusion feeds the depression. Having some amount of regular interaction, like through work and family like you do, does help keep things from getting too far out of balance. I have been loving my time on PSC, and I find it does decrease the depression for me. If I try to force myself to be social, that will often backfire. It needs to be people I like being around, doing things I like doing. I definitely like being here, and I hope you also find life to be richer and more rewarding through your experience here.
My advice would be to not let your pedo side stop you from experiencing other parts of life. I've compartmentalized this attraction pretty well such that I'm not even worried about spilling guts when drunk or something. And I think it's been good for my mental health to be able to go out with friends or hang around with extended family knowing those 'walls' will keep anything pedo from spilling over.
We are social creatures, so unless you've got some kind of autism diagnosis, try and get out there and live.
The pedo thoughts and the CP will still be there when you get home.
Having had a series of negative experiences resulting from my love for children, I have also pretty much retired from society. I'm sure it's a mental self-preservation thing that many of us do.
Staying in the closet for me is a question of survival. Coming out or being found out would mean my entire life being ruined. Forums like this one is the only way for me to discuss my deepest secrets and I am ok with that.
I try to not make my attraction to kids the only thing that defines me. It is only one part of who I am. So outside of the darkweb I am someone and in here I am someone else.
Having friends, hobbies and interests is the only way to stay sane. It just sucks that everything that is MAP or being a no contact pedophile has been intertwined with people that forcibly rape children. It just leads to more isolation for those that have these feelings and attraction but have no way to discuss it in way where they wont labeled a monster.
As much as I want others to accept me for who I am, I'm also wise enough to know that is beyond fiction. Fortunately, I'm not the type of MAP that always have pedophilic thoughts in mind, so I'm not tortured by my identity enough to either try to out it or end it. I consider that a blessing, to be frank, to know that I can appreciate the most delicate beauties out there without having a mental breakdown about it. I know there are people who had it worse than me.
Endless isolation.
I can relate.